Dear Ty Lee,

Writing letters is a useless practice. One that should be abolished from day to day use. My first decree as Fire Lord will be to discontinue the production of quills – this is quite annoying – having to re — oh, whatever the word is – re-something the quill every time it runs out of ink. 

The ink splotches on the paper and makes me want to scream. 

But I would wake the others in the palace, and I’d be an embarrassment to father. Like Zuko. 

This is not the reason I’m writing to you, Ty Lee. I was told today by an elder ( or, indirectly told… she was counseling Zuko and I imagined she was counseling me as well even though she wasn’t aware that I was… observing this interaction ) that writing letters to loved ones people we trust is good for our minds. I imagine if you were here you’d tell me the “flow of words is good for the flow of chi” or something of that sort, but you aren’t here and… well I’m filling in the gaps you normally fill. 

I’ve decided I actually quite miss you, now. Agni, that sounded horrible reading that over. I can practically feel your heated gaze on my shoulders, asking me to correct that last sentence. Too harsh, you’d say, too mean. But I am mean. And I think perhaps I have a lot of things to say to you.

I miss you frequently. Whenever you aren’t at my side it feels as if the empty space is an expanse that will never be filled again wholly. Agni, you’ve got some kind of way with me, you know what? 

I can barely remember the reason I am writing this letter to begin with. I think it was to remind you that I currently hold the position of your girlfriend, and with that position I suppose there is a good amount of responsibilities I must take care of. Yet… I think I’ve been neglecting a few of them. 

As your girlfriend, ( Agni, that’s weird to write. I don’t think I’ve even said it aloud yet, but here I am, writing it into a letter I’ll never even send you ) I have the right to be protective of you, I think. When others stare at you in a more than friendly way I can’t help but to feel angry. What’s mine is mine. How dare they try to steal one of the Princess’ most prized possessions? You belong to me, so of course I feel like turning them all into a pile of ash. In fact, I want to burn the whole city. I want to be the only one to look at you, the only one to have that kind of connection. The rest of the world won’t see what I see. 

But I suppose no one sees what I see. I’m different, Ty Lee, I always have been. My own mother thought I was a monster. I was a burned child from the start. But oh, was I great. I still am. I think I owe you credit for some of that – without you by my side I’d be… great, but less great. In a way. I’m a prodigy, but you’re my partner. They say behind every powerful man is an even more powerful woman– well, that doesn’t really apply here but you get what I mean. ( But you aren’t more powerful than me – we’re almost equals I imagine. You just have creamier, softer skin and swimming grey eyes and long, soft hair that reminds me of down pillows and long legs that can oh Agni I’m getting carried away ). 

Like I was saying: I’m different. But that always set me apart, for you. You liked me even when you knew who I was– my potential. I liked that. I like that. I can look at you and see my reflection in you eyes – but when I look at you I never see fear. Do you know what it feels like to have people always afraid of you? It’s equally awesome and terrifying. It makes me powerful, but awfully lonely. ( Do you ever wonder how it feels that my own people call me “crazy”? I’m insightful, intelligent, flawless – and there’s something madly wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. But your touch, your presence brings me back to the surface. I’m not the mad princess when I’m with you. I’m… Azula. )

There’s always been some sort of hole in my heart. You filled that hole, though, like I said. And I’m very happy for it. 

Now that I think about it, I haven’t given you proper gratitude. Mainly because I don’t know how. And even though I never say thank you, I hope you know how… dear you are to me. No, that sounds wrong. How… good you are. How brave. Beautiful? None of these words even fit. You know what I mean though, you always do. And when you run you always come back: I can always count on that. 

You have my back, Ty Lee. And for the rest of our time together… I’ll try to have yours. 

and Ty… about the… sex thing. I wish I could make things different. I wish I could give you everything you want and need to be happy. I wish was enough. I’m more than enough on every other scale, of course, but… I feel inadequate, like you will always want something and I can never hand it to you. It feels just out of reach. If you want to leave me, I’ll be angry. I don’t want to lie to you. I’ll probably… burn down the entire palace. But I could never touch a single hair on your beautiful head. Not again. You can leave me, if you need something more. If you want someone who isn’t a monster. 

You always come back, though. I trust you. I appreciate you. 

I I I I I I I I I I I      I I   I I  II    I  lo

I can’t seem to write the damn word. 

I think you’ll know what I mean, though. 

There’s a lot of problems with this, I know. I’m trying to fix myself, at least the broken parts. After all that’s happened… I’m not sure all my broken parts can even be fixed.  Writing letters is hard. 

I want everything I can get. And I now have you. Like Zuko always says, I was born lucky. But having you? That’s something else entirely. 

I’m burning this letter after I finish it ( I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me ) 

Sincerely, 

Princess Azula ( your girlfriend )